5th Sunday Teaching on Teaching Sexuality

Back before our oldest was ten years old we had a special 5th Sunday lesson during Sunday school at church. Dan Oakes, who was later our Stake President and the Everett, WA mission president, was going to each Ward in the Stake to teach parents about how to teach their children about sexuality. Dan is a trained mental health professional, an expert in relationships, sexuality, and parenting as well as depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Dan started by discussing the importance of sexuality in the relationship of a wife and husband and the two dimensions of the power of creation (see quotes by Spencer W. Kimball and Elder Boyd K. Packer below). He then discussed the responsibility of parents in teaching their children accurate/correct information related to sexuality (see the quote from A Parent's Guide: Teaching Children below).

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Dan then went into the details of how and when parents should teach and speak to their children about sexuality and provided helpful additional notes and context (see outline below).

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Dan explained that the first conversation, around the age of eight, corresponds to when children are baptized. This is important because part of the baptism interview and covenant is related to keeping the law of chastity. The conversation could go something like this:

• The mother and father are both involved in this conversation and can start with a prayer. 
• After the prayer the parents ask the child if they have heard about "sex" and if they know what it is. They can then ask if they had heard any of their friends talk about it.
• The parents explain that around their age when most kids start to learn about sex but many times what children learn is based on things they see in the media and it is very often not correct. 
• The parents establish themselves as the expert in sex ("we are experts") because they have had sex and can provide accurate information about sex to their child. They invite and encourage their child to come to them at any time with any questions they have about sex.
• The parents also emphasize that it is not the child's job to teach other children (or younger siblings) about sex. That is the role of each of their friend's parents since they are experts too.
• The parents explain that sex is special and sacred and is how babies are created. They simply explain that the mom releases an egg each month and that if sperm from the father fertilizes the egg then it creates a baby. If the sperm doesn't fertilize the egg then the mom has her period. More information related to pregnancy, and how the baby develops inside the uterus and is delivered through the vagina can also be provided.
• The parents then ask if the child knows how the father's sperm gets to the mother's egg. If they do not know then the parents simply state something along the lines of "the penis goes into the vagina". No additional context or explanation is needed at that time. And additional context related to sexual response can be provided as your child matures physically and emotionally (see outline above).

Dan explained that the typical response from a child from the last part of the conversation is for them to say "Eew!" and make a disgusted face. This was pretty much the case for each of our five children. As noted in the outline above, there are different ages for discussing different aspects of sexuality and sexual response.

Probably the most important things I remembered Dan emphasizing were:

• The importance of speaking positively and regularly about sex and not shying away (i.e., shame) from age-appropriate conversations with your children.
• Do not mistake normal development as addictive or compulsive behavior.

My wife and I have had some great conversations with our kids related to sex and were grateful that we could be the ones to share and talk to them about such an amazing and sacred topic. Sex is sacred but when approached and spoken of in a respectful way can bless the lives of our children by helping them to be better prepared to utilize and appreciate sex for what Heavenly Father intended it for; to create earthly bodies for Heavenly Father's spirit children and connect in a much deeper way with our spouses. In these ways, sex and our sexuality are a great blessing from our Heavenly Father. 

Let me know if you have any additional questions and check out Dan's website (see link from his name above) for more materials on how to mature and improve our relationship with sex.